Sexual Repression and the American Dating Collapse: Why My Work Sounds Extreme If You’re Used To Extremes

Dating in America has become strangely polarized, especially within the current American dating culture. Many of the women I work with feel caught between extremes, unsure where they fit or why healthy connection seems harder to find.

Originally published on Medium, this reflection explores how cultural norms around sex, intimacy, and emotional presence shape modern dating, and why what looks "extreme" is often just grounded, middle-path relating.

Why So Many Women Don’t Fit Into Today’s American Dating Culture

America is in a strange place right now. It feels like a country in the middle of a man’s deeply awkward midlife crisis.

We have overcorrected in two directions at once: toward purity culture and toward digital hedonism. Most women I know feel like they are being cast either in The Handmaid’s Tale or on the opposite extreme of online performance.

There is almost no space in the middle. And being in the middle can make you feel slightly unreal, like you are the one missing something obvious.

When I started dating again in my late 30s after a long marriage, I quickly realized something most women do not say out loud. I appealed to a wide range of men when it came to casual dating. But far fewer could imagine me as a partner.

The same was true for me.

It was not an attraction. It was a sense that something in me did not match the environment.

And the deeper I went into somatic coaching, the more that truth revealed itself.

Most people carry an unconscious filter running inside them at all times. What feels familiar? What resembles home, even if home was chaotic?

And slowly, I realized I did not feel like "home" within the emotional climate of many people I met.

The Twilight Zone of American Dating

One of my very first post-divorce dates involved a man enthusiastically telling me he had helped a friend set up her cameras for her online content the night before.

I remember blinking, trying to figure out why he thought this would land as progressive or charming. It was not the content itself that threw me. It was the lack of relational awareness.

It was the assumption that, while essentially interviewing for a place in my love life, this would impress me.
It felt… off. Extreme in a way neither of us acknowledged.

Then there were men who told me long stories about half-open relationships that ended in heartbreak. Men who walked into a first date carrying their full therapy files. Men who opened with, “I’m not looking for anything serious,” even when I had not asked.

Even if I could have considered something casual, the energy was dull and ungrounded.
It lacked vitality, spark, or clarity.

There was also the man processing his breakup who was “working on himself” someday. But sadness, uncontained and unmanaged, does not deepen attraction.

It flattens it.

What is everyone working on?
Why is time suddenly a threat?
What is this place?

It still amazes me how normalized this has become.

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"You’re Just Not American"

A friend once told me, “You don’t feel American. Even your kids feel European.”
And surprisingly, that helped something click into place.

In our home, we cook real food.
We drink water.
We read.
We have silence.
We have music.
We go to bed at a reasonable time.
Screens are limited because science already tells us what constant stimulation does to young nervous systems.

None of this is extreme, but culturally it now feels unusual.

Some of my daughter’s friends called us an “ingredient household.” It is an online term for families who are apparently too wholesome for modern culture.

What are people eating for supper?

The extremism in dating matches the extremism in lifestyle. The boundaries I had to set often felt wild, even though they were basic, grounded expectations.

Please do not be emotionally entangled with your ex-spouse.
Please do not take weekend trips with your female best friend while calling it “normal.”
Please do not shrink when I am offered something meaningful in my work.
Please do not assume my friendships or passions are threats.

In most of the world, these boundaries are completely normal. But here, they sometimes feel radical.

Two Forms of Repression

We have mistaken performance for intimacy.
We have mistaken extremes for expression.

On one side, we have exaggerated sexuality, open relationships, and on-demand dating.
On the other hand, we have rigid conservatism that shames desire itself.

Neither reflects real erotic presence.

Real erotic energy is quiet and alive. It is depth, not novelty. It is the sweet, grounded feeling of being met, not the spectacle of being watched.

As Anaïs Nin wrote, “Atrophy of feeling creates harm.” And that is increasingly clear.

We are overstimulated and under-touched. We talk about trauma constantly, yet struggle to actually feel each other.

Even kink, for many people, has become more about performance than sensation. More about trying to reach connection through edges rather than through presence.

My Female Clients Are Not Repressed

The women I work with are not repressed. They are artists, thinkers, travelers, professionals, mothers, deeply embodied people. They enjoy connection, polarity, tension, and attraction.

They are not afraid of intimacy. They are not ashamed of desire. They do not dislike men. They simply do not resonate with emotional dynamics that feel extreme, disconnected, or reactive.

Their standards are not high. They are healthy.

And many would rather stay single than become someone’s placeholder until he stops being afraid of himself.

The Real Breakthrough

For a long time, I tried to adjust to these extremes.

I listened to men recount their entire romantic histories. I tried to be accommodating. I minimized my work. I sat in dynamics that did not challenge or nourish me.

Eventually, I assumed my discomfort must come from past trauma. But looking back, it was not trauma speaking. It was truth. It was my own turn-off telling me something was not aligned.

The culture had shifted far enough that grounded presence now reads as unusual.

You Are Not Crazy

I tell my clients this often: “You are not crazy. The culture is intense.”

There are emotionally healthy people out there, but you cannot find them when you are entangled with extremes. Let the extreme ones drift sideways. Make space for something steadier.

If dating here feels confusing, expand your world. Date internationally. Date younger if you meet someone emotionally present. Emotional maturity is not age dependent.

America is not the entire world.

The Real Rebellion Is Embodiment of Human Emotion

I take care of my body. I am 43. I don’t want to be pushed into the extremes this culture gives women: performing youth or disappearing with age. I just want to feel like myself.

I want a life that feels good, grounded, and human. A life where my relationships add something real. Where my work helps people. Where I can be responsible for my inner world and still enjoy small pleasures like Netflix or too many croissants on vacation.

We lose the plot when we mistake genuine emotion for repression. Real sexuality is quiet and alive. It does not need performance or permission. It needs presence.

America, steady yourself.
Step back from the noise.
Go on a walk.
Do the dishes.
Feel something real.

Come over for Sunday supper. I’ll teach you how to snap beans and play cards.