The Hidden Ways Women Sabotage Love Without Realizing It
So many women come to me exhausted, confused, and frustrated by dating. They feel like they’re doing everything “right” yet still ending up with the same emotional outcomes. Dear women, this piece is not about blame — it’s about awareness.
Originally published on Medium, this reflection explores the subtle, unseen ways women sabotage connection without realizing it.
The Slow Ways Women Get in Their Own Way
It is strange doing my work because it is not therapy, at least not in the traditional sense. Somatic work is more experimental. We go into places that people rarely articulate, emotional landscapes we are not always meant to name.
It is raw and intimate, but also deeply practical.
Much of what we read online about relationships is rigid and prescriptive. But real people do not operate on scripts. The ones who cling hardest to the rules are often the ones living the most chaos behind the scenes.
I sit with people behind the curtain. And one pattern I see repeatedly is this:
The people who accept the worst treatment in adult relationships often, unknowingly, inspire and facilitate it.
I say that without judgment because I’ve been there. I was the ring leader of my own destruction.
We all are.
The way I showed up to men, anxious, doting, idealizing love, always scanning for what was missing so I could fix it, became the blueprint for the chaos I got back. I had to climb out of that. We all do.
You can stay in the “my ex was a narcissist” spiral for years. Eventually you realize the deeper question is this:
Why were you so intensely drawn to that person in the first place?
It is rarely because you lack boundaries. It is because some part of you loved the attention, intensity, fantasy, or promise that man represented. Until you address that, the pattern stays.
Women receive endless content about how to stay safe from men, but almost none about how they unconsciously re-create the same dynamics with different faces.
I rarely hear women ask themselves why they are so easily emotionally coerced into situations where they feel unhappy. It is easier to stay in the mindset of “I am fine. The entire gender I date is the problem.”
But here is what I see again and again.
There are two major mistakes most women make.
And I have made both.
Mistake #1: Turning Talk Therapy Into Control
A lot of women walk into relationships armed with therapy language, rules, and TikTok boundaries. They set standards immediately, often around things they themselves are not secure in yet.
“I told him I require X, Y, and Z.”
But leading with ultimatums creates performance rather than authenticity.
You get men who lie. Not because they are villains, but because you handed them a script.
That is not boundary setting. It is control.
And it does not work.
Especially when the man in front of you is clearly in a self-centered phase of his life. Trying to drag a man like that into being your partner says more about your loneliness than his readiness.
The real lesson is simple.
Slow down.
Stop gripping.
Stop forcing commitment.
Watch his life.
Observe how he treats you.
See if you can receive from him and if it feels good to give back.
That is the only character assessment you can trust.
And no, three to six months is not enough time, especially if you are evaluating him under a curated rulebook.
Mistake #2: Expecting One Person to Meet Every Need
Here is where it gets trickier.
Many women do have unrealistic expectations of what a partner should offer. The tragedy is not just the disappointment. It is how those expectations blind you to what someone is already giving.
Unrealistic expectations make you bitter. They make you angry. They make you feel perpetually deprived.
I rarely see women talk about how drastically their needs change as they age.
Where I am now, the things that matter most to me are simple. Cooking dinner together. Deep conversations. Physical connection. Sharing the joy of each other’s lives.
I do not need a man to match every hobby or be some idealized template of partnership. I have friends for that. I have myself for that.
But years ago, I believed I needed a man who matched my entire lifestyle, dreams, and emotional universe.
I see that often in women now. Demanding perfection from a man who is already giving them eighty-five percent of what they actually need. They fixate on the missing fifteen percent, then leave for a man who offers none of it.
We lose so much when we fixate on what is missing instead of what is working. This “not enough” feeling can shape a woman’s entire life if she is not careful.
Women today are absorbing extreme messaging:
“Do not settle.”
“He should lead, provide, and hold space while never needing anything.”
So now women want a man who:
- pays for more, plans more, leads every milestone
- treats them like an equal
- holds space for their emotions while never having emotions of his own
- supports their dreams without needing support
- is strong and soft, confident and humble, dominant and deferential
Come on.
Most women cannot think of a single real man who meets all these ideals. And most struggle with moods, anxiety, and their own emotional inconsistency in relationships.
It is unrealistic to expect another human to provide what you cannot yet offer yourself.
If you bring every chaotic unmet need to a man, he becomes your emotional doormat. But then you will not desire him. He becomes a parental figure rather than a partner.
And yes, that dynamic ends relationships.
We Aren’t Settling. We Are Overreaching.
From the outside, it looks like women settle for anything. The inside tells another story.
It is not settling.
It is over-working the connection.
Trying to sculpt a man into the dream version they had in their heads. Trying to fix him.
Trying to coach him. Trying to “get it right this time.”
The goal is not for him to become himself. The goal becomes who she hoped he could be. That is the somatic doorway. That is the mirror.
It is not love. It is emotional performance.
Ready to understand your relational patterns more clearly?
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What Men Need to Hear
Men, if you are dating or in partnership, your job is not to memorize what a woman says she wants. Your job is to observe what she actually values.
Does she accept who you are today? Or is she trying to pull you into her quicksand?
Do not agree to emotional labor you cannot carry. Do not let someone mold you into their idealized fantasy. Get rooted in your own purpose. Not in an “alpha” way. In a grounded, human way.
Have a job, a passion, a few things that make you feel alive. Start there.
If you step into savior or caretaker, the bedroom will die. And yes, that is a valid reason for marital breakdown.
What Women Need to Remember
Men do grow in relationships.
So do you.
But they do not grow into new personalities. They grow in the areas they already value.
If a man does not like kids, he will not magically become a nurturing co-parent. If he does not initiate deep conversations now, he will not later. If he does not prioritize goals now, he will not later.
Stop trying to rewire someone’s personality because they check a few appealing boxes.
If you are disappointed in everyone, the issue is not everyone. The issue is how you repeatedly organize the dynamic.
Build a relationship around what is already there, if it is good.
Protect it.
Nourish it.
And if he cannot offer what truly matters to you, stop pulling for it. Find someone whose natural way of loving aligns with your actual needs.
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