Disappointment Is a Portal, Not a Problem

What happens when we stop numbing or overreacting and begin to fully feel — not just for healing, but for creating a life worth living.

When someone begins nervous system or embodiment work for the first time, they usually arrive on one of two ends of a spectrum: numb or reactive.

One person comes in completely shut down. They’re high-functioning but disconnected. They numb out through overworking, overthinking, or socially acceptable habits—like drinking a bottle of wine most nights, obsessively keeping busy, or staying glued to screens. On the surface, they’re managing life just fine. But they’re often unaware they’ve stopped feeling entirely.

They’ve been taught to assess their life like a spreadsheet. Relationships, careers, even living arrangements are built on what “makes sense” instead of what’s truly desired. Often, they’ve convinced themselves they’re not even supposed to want more.

And because their habits look “productive”—long work hours, perfectly executed routines, control disguised as discipline—it’s hard to spot the dissociation. But these patterns are just as effective at numbing emotion as more obvious vices. This person often finds themselves carrying the bulk of the emotional, financial, or organizational load in their relationships. And they’re confused why it’s so hard to get support. Why does it feel impossible to receive?

On the other end of the spectrum is the person who does feel—but everything feels too much. Their emotions are raw, exposed, and overwhelming. They might move forward for a bit, then collapse into shutdown, spiraling into self-doubt, resentment, or a sense that the world is against them.

They struggle with conflict. Small misunderstandings or off-hand comments feel like abandonment or betrayal. When hurt, they feel entitled to lash out—sometimes through withdrawal, criticism, or guilt. They find themselves trapped in cycles of stormy dynamics. And when healthier connections fade away, they don’t understand why.

Most people I work with carry some version of both patterns. These are not two different problems. They're two poles of the same issue:

The body doesn’t yet know how to feel emotion without either numbing or exploding.

That’s the real starting point of embodiment. Not some aesthetic, not an identity—but a practice of feeling safely and fully in the body. Because when we can't feel, we default to control. And when we can’t hold our feelings, we weaponize them.

In my 1-1 work and programs, I help people re-teach the body that feeling is safe. That emotion can move through us without destroying us. That we can create from it.

So, how do I know someone’s making progress?

It’s not because their life looks perfect from the outside.

In fact, a fully embodied life is rarely tidy. It’s experimental, nonlinear, and often defies the norms we were trained to obey. Especially if you’ve spent your life doing what’s “right” rather than what feels true.

But there’s one moment that always signals transformation:

When someone experiences calm disappointment—and doesn’t spiral.

When a client tells a story about a difficult dynamic and it doesn’t sound like a crisis or a moral reckoning, I know we’ve arrived somewhere new. Maybe they say, “This isn’t working for me anymore,” without rage, guilt, or desperation. Maybe they name what’s not aligned—and simply move on.

This isn’t numbness. It’s clarity.

Suddenly, chasing after someone who can’t show up feels pointless. Trying to control or manage other people’s behavior seems boring. Drama no longer feels like intimacy.

And just as importantly, disappointment can deepen the relationships that matter.

When you can tolerate the feeling of “I wish this were different,” without trying to fix or flee, you gain capacity for real intimacy. You can hold the messiness of long-term connection. You can grieve what someone can’t give you—and still love them. You can navigate conflict with presence instead of panic.

Disappointment becomes a door.
Not the end of something, but the beginning of everything that’s real.

If you’ve been shut down, reactive, or both—it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It means your body has been trying to protect you. And it’s ready to learn a new way.

You don’t need to be less emotional. You don’t need to be more logical.
You just need to feel—safely, honestly, fully.
That’s where everything starts.

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